And then they went to college

I recently gave an assignment to my students and they had two weeks to complete it. I think it goes without saying that it was a major project. We'd spent a week or two learning about films. As usual with my class, I gave my students several options for how I could evaluate them on the unit. There were three options for this particular unit. I'll give you the reader's digest version of each:

1. Write a persuasive essay explaining what film is the definitive film for your generation.

2. Write a literary analysis-style essay examining a major theme in Edward Scissorhands, the film we watched and discussed in class.

3. Come up with an idea for an original film (based on your own ideas, a book or a play that has not yet been translated to film). Write a treatment for the film (a summary), create a cast list for who you would like to hire, create 3 minutes' worth of storyboards for one scene, and either film that scene according to the storyboards (if you work in a group) or create a "one-sheet" style movie poster (if you work alone).

The thing that never ceases to amaze me about teaching is that no matter how many times I go over the directions, give them instructions in writing, and stay after school for extra help, I inevitably get very few projects that follow the directions. It frustrates the hell out of me.

Of the 60% or so of students who bothered to turn something in, most were F's. There were a few diamonds in the rough, but a much greater percentage scored below 50 than above 80. It was ridiculous. Especially considering I gave them the exact grading rubric, including point values, right on the instructions sheet.

About 5 students took the three project options and somehow combined them according to their own desires, usually by summarizing and creating a cast list and poster for an existing film. That's not a two-week assignment, it's a one-night assignment. I was so frustrated at them that I gave most of them back their papers immediately and told them to re-do them for late credit.

One paper was particularly interesting. Not only did the student write a summary, cast list, stobyards and poster for an existing film, he included some of the foulest language I've ever read in it! I was flabbergasted, particularly since this came from a usually quiet, polite honors student.

The student apparently combined options 1 and 3 and wrote a summary of the film American Pie. Mind you, this was to be a formal English paper. So I was amused and a little pissed when I got a summary that began "American Pie is a movie about my generation because it's about a bunch of high school guys trying to get laid." Inappropriate, but not entirely out of line for the film. I read on.

Later in the paper, he chronicled the characters' exchange of information that "getting head is like having sex with a pie." He also informed the reader that "he ate her pussy" (that was the biggest shocker for me!) and that one of the character's nicknames was, in fact, "shit" somethingorother. I don't remember, but I was impressed by the student's use of "head," "pussy," and "shit" in a one-page, typed paper. Almost as funny was how the student went on to conclude the paper with a pat, "And then they all went off to college." LOL.

I had to call the kid's mom, who was understandably mortified, and I gave the kid a chance to re-do his paper for late credit. He turned in an original treatment the next day which followed the directions without resorting to profanity. His reaction to my problems was almost as funny as the paper. I took him in the hallway to explain why he had to re-do the paper and why it was inappropriate. Very casually, he said "Yeaaaah." I guess he expected to get called on it. It was pretty funny.

Of course, word got around the English department within minutes and everybody wanted to see a copy of the infamous paper, but by then I had returned it to the student and requested he share it with his embarassed mother.

The next day my story was greatly overshadowed when another English teacher caught a girl actually giving a guy a blow job in a relatively exposed alcove in a hallway during class. Ah, the drama of teaching high school.