Progress

Since I haven't been able to write for a long time I suppose a plain old update is overdue. I just got internet in my flat a couple of weeks ago and have been exceedingly busy trying to get caught up on things online. It's an impossible task, really, given that I live a large percentage of my life online. So if you've emailed or facebooked me it may take me an eternity to answer. Feel free to try me again.

I am still liking the new flat. It's small but very nice and I've had few problems. At the moment I have had a lightbulb out for like two weeks. The ceilings are far too high to reach the bulb with a stepladder. There is supposed to be a ladder in the common area but it disappeared about 3 weeks ago. So I put a note on the door for the cleaner to see when she comes in on Monday. Don't give me advice on this. I'm passing on a story.

Work is pretty good. School is better than I expected. The kids can still be shitty but they are much better overall than they were last year when I was a substitute drama teacher. I also like the subject matter I'm teaching much better, so that helps. I have some difficult classes and students but in my years teaching I have learned that you will always have those. I deal with it.

The other job at the Tower is great as always. It's a good distraction every Sunday and a nice bit of extra money. It also leaves open possibilities for work over school breaks.

I like the area of town I live in. It's a predominately poor, black and Turkish area. I enjoy being a minority here. It reminds me that I am not the only 'kind' of person in the world and that the world is made up of so many different people. I enjoy feeling a part of a community where I am different and surrounded by things that are somewhat different from where I've lived before. The area has loads of hair salons specializing in weaves and braids for instance.

I joined the gym a few doors down recently. I am enjoying it very much so far. My doctor insisted on it due to the severity of my depression. I am to work out 5 days a week for 30 minutes or more doing cardio or something to make me lost my breath. It adds a planned activity to my schedule, helps me get healthy, and helps get out aggression. I have been doing my favourite, the elliptical machine, and really enjoying it. In the past I have joined gyms but always with someone else and always to lose weight. For those reasons, in part, I have always stopped going. When my gym partner stopped going I would stop because I felt guilty in a way about continuing. Also with wanting to lose weight I'd always have to do weights and machines. I like weights but sometimes I don't feel like it and I would always feel guilty about that. This time I'm there only for myself and I can do what I choose. I choose right now to get on the elliptical for half an hour, jam out to the gym TV or music selections (they have a little headphone thingy on the machines and you can choose from like 12 channels of music or TV) and then cool down for a few minutes. I like it, it doesn't take all evening, it feels good and i am not sore the next day. I think it will be sustainable for those reasons.

The cats are with me right now. Andrew is living in a place where he can't have them at the moment as he is basically renting a room in a shared flat. So I have them for now. If he ends up in a place where he can have them we will work that out. It's nice to have their company in the mean time.

My depression is still there. I'm on medication, I see the doctor monthly, I'm now exercising and doing some online therapy recommended by the doctor. So I'm doing what I can. I still have severe depression thanks to my family history and current circumstances. I still have badly depressed days where I'm just strung out on sadness.

The divorce is still in the works. It was filed and sent to Andrew, who did his answer to the filing, then sent to me. I have to take the papers to the courthouse and sign them in front of a witness there in order not to have to pay an attorney to witness them. That means I have to wait until a day off school. Unlike America, where schools regularly have one or two weekdays off fairly regularly (often once a month), the UK only has breaks a few times a year. There are three academic terms each year. There is a one-week break half way through each term and a two-week break between the others (except the summer, which is about 6 weeks). So there are basically almost no days where you just have one day off from school. Weird but true. So during the October half term break I will have to take the papers to the courthouse and sign them. After that the court will set a date to decide on the divorce. We do not have to show up for it. On that date the judge will decide whether to grant the divorce and will put in a ruling. If he or she approves the divorce a temporary order is given, which is then finalized in about 6 weeks.

In case I haven't mentioned it recently, I don't want a divorce. I still love my husband. I want my life back. Tragically (and I don't use that word lightly) he doesn't. I hate that I feel like I am breaking my promises to God. I want permission from Him to move on with my life, and am asking for it, but I still feel badly. I am getting used to the fact that Andrew doesn't want to be together and that I am going to have to let go. I am getting used to the loneliness. I even know who I would like to date. I just . . . want to know that it's okay with God. I meant my promises to Him. I meant them with all my heart. Am I letting Him down if I don't remain faithful to Andrew forever and instead move on?

I speak to Andrew every day. I feel so sad when I do, but I miss him and wish I were speaking to him if I don't. It's hurtful and confusing. I'm angry and hurt, but mostly sad and lonely.