a sad entry
A long time ago I wrote a clever entry using numbers, but I can't find it so I'm just going to ramble.
On Tuesday I got my surgery to have a uterine fibroid removed. I've had to be off work since then but will return Monday. All went well and I have been feeling fine. My bruises are interesting colours (they put in two laparoscopic trocars and dissolvable stitches/glue) and I am a bit sore but haven't taken any medicine at all for pain. So unless something unforeseen happens I can now have children. Apparently this fibroid, 3-4 cm of which was on the inner lining of my uterus, made it really difficult for eggs to want to implant there. So that's sorted.
Unfortunately the more serious hindrance to having children - a father for them - is the major problem. Dear reader, I am miserable. It's supposed to get better with time and it certainly is NOT. I miss Andrew all the time. I ache for him in spite of some of the undeniably shitty stuff he has done to me. I WANT MY LIFE BACK. I am angry and hurt and still, apparently, in denial. And yet the divorce I never wanted proceeds. I don't see another choice.
I did not take my relationship for granted. I did not get married lightly. I did not cheat. I had the life I wanted, basically. I knowingly and willingly set my life to revolve around the strongest and most stable thing in it: love. I was happy with that decision. Everything else could come second. I prayed and gave thanks and asked for help. And now I have basically nothing because I made it everything. I knew what I wanted from when I was a kid - a happy marriage, kids, a happy life with someone really loving and special that would last forever. I believed and in a sense still believe that's what i had. I don't know how to explain it.
So here I am bitching and moaning AGAIN in a forum where nobody can help anyway. People keep giving me their input. I disagree with it pretty much always, but I just sound naive and stupid. Here are a few gems:
You both meant your vows at the time but you could not foresee these changes so it's okay and you can let go without going against your vows. Um, no. I knew damn well those vows meant forever, which is why I said as much. I knew they were "for better or for worse," which is why I said as much. I knew and expected things to change. I just expected that he would keep up his end of the bargain.
You didn't cause the relationship to end so it's okay if you let go and move on. God will understand. This is probably true, but I don't want to let go! I want my life back. I don't have a choice I guess, but I still have no clue how to move on.
Things will get better in time. Yes, this is true, but it will take a long, long time. I hate hurting this much. It is torture. It is not fair. You can't tell me it is. You can't tell me it won't get worse. Some days it does.
He will 'wake up' and realize his mistake. Maybe. But he's stubborn and if he does he won't come knocking on my door. And if he does that is only the beginning of a possible new start, it's not a guarantee and it doesn't mean . . . it doesn't take back anything.
You will move on to someone better/who you deserve/who makes you happier. This is the WORST thing people can say to me. It simply demonstrates the level of feeling that people don't understand I have. The people who say this have no concept of my past relationship. They have no idea how happy I have truly been. They have no idea how committed I am and was and have been to my marriage, nor how much it has eviscerated me to go even this far in letting it go. I have begrudgingly agreed to a legal divorce. I doubt I will be able to go much beyond that for a long, long time. And it's insulting to act like some other person is going to magically come along and fix me. God has to fix me. And that's not happening yet. He's too busy keeping me from falling apart.
Well, this entry has become unnecessarily nasty at the very people who are trying to help me. What a bitch. I should be thankful for what I have. But I am not. I am not going to bullshit that I am.
I am a shitty friend who doesn't keep in good contact with my friends or family. I am a person whose life revolved around one thing that is now gone, and therefore has lost all concept of past, present and future. I life for today and try to get through.
Do I know that, eventually, slowly, things will reach a new and better equilibrium with which I can survive and at times be happy? Of course. I am not stupid. I have no idea what that new equilibrium will be. I do not expect it to ever be as good as my life was 10 years ago.
You don't know unless you've experienced real, true, deep love what it's like. I felt that so much for so long. You don't know unless you are me or one of maybe 100 people in history who were as blessed as I what it is like to feel so whole, so complete, so captivated. And while I should be thankful for having it for so long I am only slightly so, because it is all the crueler that it is gone now and yet Andrew is still here and can look at me and not care that I still feel the same.